It’s Time To Move On

I think we sold our house today.

I won’t trust that it’s sold until we have the check in our hand, but in the short term, it really makes no difference. It’s now time to begin rapidly packing up, shutting down this life we’ve made here. It’s time to put all our treasures in boxes and pull up stakes and move to a place that I hope will become a final destination, the place my children will call home.

I hate moving, and it’s always sad. This is our fifth out-of-state move in ten years. But, this move is different, and what is painful about this move is so different. It’s not the friends I’ve made, because I haven’t made many. It’s not the people I see on a daily basis, because I don’t see many. I’m not leaving a job behind or a school. The most important people in my daily life will all be going with me.

I am most sad to leave my kids’ preschool. The teachers there have been fundamental in shaping my kids, in giving them confidence as well as knowledge. They have pushed my babies to high standards, encouraging them to achieve new goals. They have loved my kids, cherished them in a way I never could have expected. I was so worried to leave J that first day at school when he was a 16-month-old baby who couldn’t crawl or walk or stand on his own. Literally, he couldn’t stand on his own two feet, and now? He runs and talks and laughs. He has a pack of boys he plays with. He is independent and confident and more outspoken than I could have imagined two years ago when he wasn’t speaking at all. The transformation in just the last six months has been phenomenal.

I am deeply saddened that M won’t have the same experience. She has only had four months at the school, but she already has such a joy and exuberance for learning. Her teachers thrill her. She watches for their reactions, and she soaks up their attention. M looks straight into the face of each little friend in her class with such excitement, as if they’re all her new best friends. I have no doubt she would love for me to just leave her at school everyday. And I would, if I could.

And our physical therapist. Our pt. Oh, how will I leave her? These last 3.5 years, she has known both my kids better than most of the people in their lives. She knows their personalities. She has been aware of the big and little things happening in our lives. She is one of the only friends I have here, one of the few women I see on a regular basis. During this time of such loneliness for me, she has been an island of reassurance and kindness. I don’t have to explain what has been hard about this life to her, because she already knows. But, she’s also a steady reminder that other families have it so much worse. She gives me the freedom to fret and question and wonder, but she also has great suggestions and advice just when I need them the most.

All the people I am dreading hugging goodbye are related to this difficult and beautiful journey we’ve been on. I swear everything about this place from the time I arrived five months pregnant and only six weeks away from delivering J until this very moment has been about having preemies. This entire chapter of my life’s book is about the magic of these kids.

And it doesn’t matter how ready you are to start writing a new chapter, closing the book on a place is difficult. Especially when it’s the place where you had your two tiny babies.

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