The Phoenix

© fotographic1980/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

© fotographic1980/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

When J was born, I lost the girl I was.

The weight of the world was on our shoulders.

It’s sad to think about the very moment you lost energy, freedom, and naiveté to be replaced by responsibility and fear and exhaustion. That pivotal moment marked my entry into true adulthood, where every battle was about the life of someone else that represented the ultimate responsibility.

M brought me healing in so many ways. I let go of some of my grief and anger, because there was no room for it any more. In her dramatic fashion, she showed me that all my questions about J’s delivery were pointless. I couldn’t have gone to the hospital earlier or asked more questions or rested more or walked less and carried him full term. The current of a preterm delivery was going to carry J and me to that operating room, and no amount of questioning after the fact would change that fact. Besides, with M I could have died. And she could have died. So, as if I didn’t learn the lesson well enough the first time, life itself became so beautiful.

One of my favorite bloggers Beth Woolsey just wrote a piece about the process of rising from the ashes, and it dawned on me that the phoenix is the perfect way to describe the way I feel about being a Preemie Mama. I will never be the same. Life will never look the same. But, I was remade better than I was before. More fierce. More determined. More grateful. More flexible. More sympathetic. More patient. More purposeful. More flexible. And most of all, more resilient.

My favorite part of what Beth said is that it’s our job as the survivors, as the remade people, to reach our hands back into the fire for those coming behind us. And I can’t think of a better explanation of what this blog is for me.

If you’d like to read her entire post, here it is at bethwoolsey.com.

 

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