Two Years Ago

December 2012 155It was two years ago. In the same house with most of the same people. I felt anxious, exhausted, and so swollen. I had never taken my blood pressure at home. I had never needed to check my blood pressure at home, but as I was lying in the recliner wishing my feet weren’t so swollen, I suddenly knew I needed to check my blood pressure. I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. On the outside, I looked fine. For the most part, my symptoms could be attributed to entering the third trimester of pregnancy. I don’t know why I suddenly had the epiphany that my swollen legs, my exhaustion, my irritability, and my flushed cheeks meant anything more, but I knew. And when we saw the astronomically high numbers and my mother-in-law calmly suggested we retake my blood pressure to make sure the machine wasn’t malfunctioning, I just knew the baby and I were in big trouble.

My mind keeps going back to the days that followed. I wonder if New Year’s Eve will always be about my almost New Year’s Eve baby, about preeclampsia, about terror and joy, all intertwined. Two years and counting now, and it’s all so fresh. If only I had been assured that this wild child would be mine, that M would not always be so skinny and fragile, that I would emerge on the other side with this infuriatingly independent, fierce, hot-headed, gleeful, mischievous magic child, I would have had some peace.

It’s funny how the most restless, energetic, ferocious, and un-peaceful being brings the most peace.

Christmas M

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